Re: [Merged] Just for Laughs
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just
to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful
car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it.
As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery,
an unexpected little fart escaped her.
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if
anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now.
But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you
today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though
nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, "Sir,
what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame,
I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by
touching it, you are going to **** when you hear the price."
Re: [Merged] Just for Laughs
One for the Ladies :)
Men Are Like.....
1. Men are like ...Laxatives...They irritate the crrap out of you.
2. Men are like ..Bananas...The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .Commercials... You can't believe all they say.
7. Men are like .Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like .Parking Spots... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Re: [Merged] Just for Laughs
from Keanna of Pinoy Big Brother:
Keanna: "Di ko alam na pinag-uusapan ako kasi ba't naman ako nila paguusapan?
di ko naman bertdey"
__________________________________________________ ____
Keanna: "Andami kong pimples wala kasing moisturizer eh"
Rico: "Ano ?"
Keanna: " Bakukang..andami kong bakukang( pertaining to her pimples)"
Rico: " Anong bakukang?"
Keanna: "Insekto..(tapos sabay hipo sa mukha niya)"
__________________________________________________ _
Keanna" "Buti na lang pinaligo na tayo, akala ko kasi sa Sabado pa puwedeng
maligo. Paano kaya sila matutulog non?"
( now, i dont get this. tayo tapos sila?)
__________________________________________________ _
Keanna to Koya: (About not taking bath) Pakiramdam ko po kasi hindi na ako
FRESH.
__________________________________________________ _
Keanna: "Rustrum!!"
Roxie: "Rustom hindi Rustrum!"
Keanna: *deadma mode" pakealam mo? mayaman ako sa letter R!
__________________________________________________ _
Keanna: (habang nagwawalis) "Hindi ako makatulog na madumi ang bahay kasi.
tapos mahilig pa kayong magkape. gusto ko tuloy kayong paluin"
__________________________________________________ _
Keanna: Ang hirap kaya mag-dishwasher
__________________________________________________ _
Keanna ay nagpa-fashion show sa harap ng mga housemates
habang nagpo-pose:
Keanna - "Dapat pala ay mag-pouch ako"
Housemates - "Pout hindi pouch( tapos halakhakan)"
Keanna - "Eh ano yung pouch past tense"
__________________________________________________ _
RULE: Bawal galawin ang furnitures ng wala akong pahintulot
Keanna: edi bawal pala gamitin yung rocking chair? kasi gagalaw yun
__________________________________________________ _
Keanna: "John Prats! John Prats! Kunin mo nga yung chicken."
(hahhahahahh! Full name talaga? )
__________________________________________________ __
Keanna: (from the rule book) si big bra.. brother ang magbibigay sa inyo ng
mga kakailanganing gamit...(thinks)... e bat di natin makita ung kamay ni
big bradir eh sya pla magbibigay( sbay twa sila..)
__________________________________________________ ___
ZANJOE: Yung kapatid ko ZANDRO...
KEANNA: Lahat kayo start sa 'S'??
__________________________________________________ ___
Keanna: "Ay naku wala na pag-asa tayo mag-modern times. Ito pa din ang
toothbrush...Talagang back to BISIKS tayo
__________________________________________________ __
Keanna - "Streppers ako"
:D
Re: [Merged] Just for Laughs
Quote:
Originally Posted by nitrox
from Keanna of Pinoy Big Brother:
Keanna: "Di ko alam na pinag-uusapan ako kasi ba't naman ako nila paguusapan?
di ko naman bertdey"
__________________________________________________ ____
Keanna: "Andami kong pimples wala kasing moisturizer eh"
Rico: "Ano ?"
Keanna: " Bakukang..andami kong bakukang( pertaining to her pimples)"
Rico: " Anong bakukang?"
Keanna: "Insekto..(tapos sabay hipo sa mukha niya)"
__________________________________________________ _
Keanna" "Buti na lang pinaligo na tayo, akala ko kasi sa Sabado pa puwedeng
maligo. Paano kaya sila matutulog non?"
( now, i dont get this. tayo tapos sila?)
__________________________________________________ _
Keanna to Koya: (About not taking bath) Pakiramdam ko po kasi hindi na ako
FRESH.
__________________________________________________ _
Keanna: "Rustrum!!"
Roxie: "Rustom hindi Rustrum!"
Keanna: *deadma mode" pakealam mo? mayaman ako sa letter R!
__________________________________________________ _
Keanna: (habang nagwawalis) "Hindi ako makatulog na madumi ang bahay kasi.
tapos mahilig pa kayong magkape. gusto ko tuloy kayong paluin"
__________________________________________________ _
Keanna: Ang hirap kaya mag-dishwasher
__________________________________________________ _
Keanna ay nagpa-fashion show sa harap ng mga housemates
habang nagpo-pose:
Keanna - "Dapat pala ay mag-pouch ako"
Housemates - "Pout hindi pouch( tapos halakhakan)"
Keanna - "Eh ano yung pouch past tense"
__________________________________________________ _
RULE: Bawal galawin ang furnitures ng wala akong pahintulot
Keanna: edi bawal pala gamitin yung rocking chair? kasi gagalaw yun
__________________________________________________ _
Keanna: "John Prats! John Prats! Kunin mo nga yung chicken."
(hahhahahahh! Full name talaga? )
__________________________________________________ __
Keanna: (from the rule book) si big bra.. brother ang magbibigay sa inyo ng
mga kakailanganing gamit...(thinks)... e bat di natin makita ung kamay ni
big bradir eh sya pla magbibigay( sbay twa sila..)
__________________________________________________ ___
ZANJOE: Yung kapatid ko ZANDRO...
KEANNA: Lahat kayo start sa 'S'??
__________________________________________________ ___
Keanna: "Ay naku wala na pag-asa tayo mag-modern times. Ito pa din ang
toothbrush...Talagang back to BISIKS tayo
__________________________________________________ __
Keanna - "Streppers ako"
:D
Putsa.....mas nakakatawa kesa kay Melanie M ito! :grin:
Re: [Merged] Just for Laughs
Good-Bye
A group of Cubans flee Cuba on their way to Miami. In the middle of their arduous journey, one of the Cubans (the oldest one) suffers a major heart attack and as a last wish asks for a flag to say good-bye to his dearest homeland Cuba.
Having abandoned everything in Havana, the other Cubans search desperately in their boat to find something that will resemble a flag of their country...a T-shirt, a handkerchief...anything. Almost ready to abandon all hope, a beautiful 20-year-old girl interrupts their desperate search to offer a tattoo of the Cuban flag that is inscribed on the left cheek of her buttocks.
The young girl pulls down her shorts and slowly lowers her underwear showing the Cuban flag on a beautifully shaped, tanned buttock cheek. She approaches the dying man and sticks her ass right on his face.
The old man caresses the "flag," grabs her cheeks with both hands and starts kissing the flag with great passion, saying, "My dear Cuba, I say good-bye to you with great sadness. My land, my flag, Havana...I will miss you so."
After going on for almost 15 minutes non-stop, he says to the girl, "Now, Chica, turn around, por favor......I want to kiss Castro good-bye!"
Re: [Merged] Just for Laughs
MANAGEMENT QUOTES
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, Washington.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping.)
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company.)
4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service.)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
6. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation.)
7. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division.)
8. One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
Re: [Merged] Just for Laughs
Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared
for the worst answer.
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly
woman.
He approached her and asked, " Mrs.Jones, do you know me?" She
responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you
were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You
lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I
know him."
The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in a very quiet
voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll
throw you in jail for contempt."
Re: [Merged] Just for Laughs
A Son's Bad Dream
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God, dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
Re: [Merged] Just for Laughs
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches
to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets
her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up
very
nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive
for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of
golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the
money on
him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times
the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a
joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future
because
she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than
on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.
Re: [Merged] Just for Laughs
Newlywed Couple
A newlywed couple is getting ready for bed when Sly the husband says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your body, would you open your robe so I can have a look?"
She opens her robe and lets Sly see her naked body. And Sly says, You are so so so beautiful. Can I get the camera and take a picture?"
"Why do you want to do that?" she asks.
"I love you so so so much, and I'd like to keep your picture next to my heart forever!"
She allows Sly to get the camera and take the picture. Then she says, Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your body too, would you open your robe so I can have a look?"
Sly opens his robe and lets his wife see his naked body. And she asks, Can I get the camera and take a picture?"
"Why do you want to do that?" Sly asks her. "I want to get it enlarged!"
