[Merged] Just for Laughs

Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. They all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the
engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked
her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the
middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked,

"Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."


http://mademelaugh.com/gfx/710.jpg

^^^ hehehe nice one ,,russ

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and
went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However,
the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog
jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to
type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and
gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some
interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.

After finger**** his GF...

BF: baby, naiwan ung college ring sa loob mo!

GF: eh di kunin mo!

after 3 minutes...

BF: p*****ina!

GF: bakit na naman?

BF: UST ako bakit UP ito?

Dumaan isang pangit na babae sa grupo ng mga lasing.

tinukso nila girl, "PANGET!"

ganti ng girl, "LASENGERO!"

sabi ng lasing

"BUKAS, di nako lasing, E IKAW? Nyahahaha!"

Si Boy Ngo ngo ay ikinulong sa dahilang walang awa niyang pinaslang ang tindera sa kanilang kabayanan. Tunghayan ang kaniyang kwento kung sa tingin ninyo�y nararapat lamang siyang ikulong�





The Misadventures of Boy Ngo Ngo





Isang araw, Tinawag ni Inay si Boy, ang batang ngo-ngo.



Inay: Boy, magpunta ka sa tindahan ni Aling Petra at bumili ka ng isang latang Pork & Beans!

Boy: Omo, inay !





Nagtungo si Boy Ngo Ngo sa tindahan ni Aling Petra. Tatlong bundok ang kaniyang nilakad. Pagdating ni Boy sa tindahan ay binati niya ang tindera.



Boy: Aning Metra, ngamuta na mo ngayo? (Kamusta na po kayo?)

Aling Petra: Mabuti naman. Ano ang kailangan mo Boy?"

Boy: Mangmilan nga mo ng inang lata ng Mo e Meen! (Pagbilhan nga po ng isang lata ng Pork n Beans)

Aling Petra: Ano kamo, Boy?

Boy: Isa mong Mo e Meen (Isa pong Pork n Beans)


Aling Petra: Paki-ulit nga Boy at hindi kita maintindihan.

Boy: Mo e Meen! Mo e Meen - nyung nata lata! (Pork n Beans! Pork n Beans � Yung nasa lata!)

Aling Petra: Hindi talaga kita maintindihan. Mabuti pa kaya ay i-spell mo na lang sa akin.

Boy: O ninge. Mo e Meen. Netter Mi. (O sige. Pork n Beans. Letter �P�)

Aling Petra: Letter 'B' ba?

Boy: Ine! Netter Mi as in Minimines. (Hindi! Letter �P� as in Philippines)

Aling Petra: Ha???

Boy: Mi! (Kinanta ni Boy ang alphabet) Ey, Mi, Ni, Ni , E, Em, Nyee..En, Em, En, O, Mi! - - Mi!

Aling Petra: Ahhh, P! Letter P! (Masiglang sagot ni Aling Petra.)

Boy: Oo. Mi! Mo e Meen! (Oo! �P�! Pork n Beans!)

Aling Petra: Sige ituloy mo Boy. 'P'...

Boy: Ngo! (�O�)

Aling Petra: Ano kamo?

Boy: (Kumanta ulit) Ey, Mi, Ni, Ni , E, Em, Nyee... En, Em, En, Ngo�

Aling Petra: Ahhh, titik O! P-O. Sige ituloy mo pa!

Boy: Netter Arrng (Letter �R�)

Aling Petra: Kantahin mo na lang ulit Boy.

Boy: Ey, Mi, Ni, Ni , E, Em, Nyee... En, Em, En, O, Mi, Ngyu, Arrng!

Aling Petra: Ahhh! Letter R. Malapit na. 'P-O-R'? Hindi ko pa rin makuha, Boy. Anong letter ang susunod?

Boy: Ngey.

Aling Petra: Letter A?

Boy: Ini ho! (Sabay buntung-hininga si Boy) Ngey! A, Ma, Nga (A-Ba-Ka-Da ang kinanta)! Nga!"

Aling Petra: Ka! Letter 'K' 'P-O-R-K' Ahhh Pork!!!

Boy: Oo!!! Mo e Meen!

Aling Petra: Pork and?

Boy: Oo!! Mo e Meen!!!

Aling Petra: Pork and Meen? Ahhhh!!! Alam ko na!!! Pork and Beans!!!

Boy: Oo! Oo!! Mo e Meen!! Mo e Meen!!!!" ang masayang sigaw ni Boy.

Aling Petra: Pork and Beans pala ang kailangan mo!!!

Boy: Oo. Mo e Meen!

Aling Petra: Hay nako!!!... Wala!!!



-The End-

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!


Dear Bo$$,

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.


Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh



The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:



Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.


Yours truly,
Manager

A newly married man walks in to his local drug store, and ask the man behind the counter for some condoms with pesticide.

The man behind the counter laughed and said, "You mean with spermicide."

The customer responded, "No, I mean pesticide. My wife has a bug up her butt and I am going to take care of it."

:twak2:

got this from emails... pinagsama-sama ko lang...


Bugtungan
Patpat mong matigas, labas masok sa butas.
Pag iyong idiin, giniling-giling, kiliti and mararating.
Ano ito?
............ Cotton buds! Wag dumi isip ha, bad iyan.



Pulis: Bakit mo inihagis ang bata sa bintana?
Yaya: Sinunod ko lang po ang utos ng amo ko.
Sabi po ng amo ko, 'wala na tayong Pampers,
i- Huggies mo na lang si baby.



What is the most impressive example of Tolerance?
Ah! Golden Wedding Anniversary!



Applicants
Two girls nag-aaply ng work…1 matalino, 1 bobo
Matalino: Buti ka pa natanggap. Ano ba ginawa mo?
Bobo: Wala. Nung nag-fill up me ng form, nilagay ko
sa ***, sure.



Teacher: Write a short story in a few words discussing
Religion, ***uality and Mystery.
Student wrote: "My God! I'm pregnant. I wonder who
the father is?"



Sensitive Child
1st day in school...
Mom to teacher - Very sensitive po ang anak ko. Kung kailangan nyo po parusahan, sampalin nyo na lang po ang katabi nya. matatakot na 'yan!



Love and Marriage Cycle
1-2 yrs: magkasalo sa plato
3-5 yrs: tig-isang plato
5-7 yrs: nagbabatuhan na ng plato
8-10 yrs: wala na silang plato

That is what we call PLATOnic love!



Three brothers named Bu, Chu and Fu migrated to USA from China.
They decided to change their names:
Bu became Buck
Chu became Chuck .
Fu decided to go back to China.



Man: I want to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are very hard to find!



Do you know why bra makers measure cup size by "A B C D E F"?
A - almost gone
B - barely noticeable
C - comfortable
D - damn good
E - extremely big and
F - Fake



Learning French

City - ce vou
Drug - sha vou
Good bye - va vou
Bald - cal vou
Caught in the act - navo cou
Feathers - valahi vou
Not clear - mala vou
Cute - a cou



Chalk
Amo: 'Day, ang chalk na ito para mamatay ang ipis. Gamitin mo sa pader.
Maid : Opo, ati.
Next day ...... Nagulat ang amo, nakasulat sa pader...
"Epes mamatay kayong lahat!"



Katapusan
Lumindol ng malakas noon.... Nagkagulo and lahat at nag-panic.
Sumigaw ang! isang lalake.. "Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"
Sumagot ang isa pang lalake.. "Tanga, a kinse pa lang."