hahaha...buti na lang wala ako prof na ganyan.... at nursing lang ako...
bwahehehehe....
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hahaha...buti na lang wala ako prof na ganyan.... at nursing lang ako...
bwahehehehe....
bwahahahaha. anak ng. ano kaya lasa non. hahahaha
KUMIRIRING ang telepono nang madaling araw....
"Hello, Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, 'yung katiwala niyo sa
bahay-bakasyunan niyo."
"O, Arnaldo, ikaw pala. Ano't napatawag ka? May problema ba?"
"Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na namatay ang alaga niyong
parrot."
"'Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? 'Yung nanalo sa bird show?"
"Opo, Master Carlos, 'yun na nga po."
"Putris ... sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos ko sa ibong 'yon. Hay,
buhay! Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay niya?"
"E, kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne...."
"Bulok na karne? At sino namang salbaheng tao ang nagpakain sa kanya ng
bulok na karne?"
"W-Wala po. Nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patay na kabayo."
"Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Arnaldo?"
"E, 'yun pung mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir. Namatay po kasi lahat sila
sa pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig."
"Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anong kariton ng tubbbiiiiggggg?"
"'Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog."
"Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman 'yang pinagsasasabi mo?"
"'Yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay niyo.... Tumumba po 'yung isang
nakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab 'yung kurtina at mabilis na kumalat ang
apoy...."
"Ano? Puuut.... E, may kuryente naman diyan sa bahay-bakasyunan, a. Para
saan 'yung kandila?"
"Para sa burol po."
"Ano? Kaninong burol?"
"Sa nanay n'yo po, Sir. Bigla kasi siya dumating dito nu'ng isang gabi,
walang kaabi-abiso. Lampas hatinggabi na. Akala ko po magnanakaw. Binaril
ko."
A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They are
all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks
the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and
pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,"Karina have you ever had
any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, " Well
once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass
through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front
of the line St. Peter says "Susan! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want
to do it before Mandy sticks her ass in it."
Ganito magsabi ng masamang balita...
KUMIRIRING ang telepono nang madaling araw....
"Hello, Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, 'yung katiwala niyo sa bahay-bakasyunan niyo."
"O, Mr. Arnaldo, ikaw pala. Ano't napatawag ka? May problema ba?
"Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na namatay ang alaga niyong parrot."
"'Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? 'Yung nanalo sa bird show?
"Opo, Master Carlos, 'yun na nga po."
"Putris ... sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos ko sa ibong 'yon. Hay, buhay! Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay niya?"
"E, kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne...."
"Bulok na karne? At sino namang salbaheng tao ang nagpakain sa kanya ng bulok na karne?"
"W-Wala po. Nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patay na kabayo."
"Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Mr Arnaldo?"
"E, 'yun pung mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir. Namatay po kasi lahat
sila sa pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig."
"Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anong kariton ng tubbbiiiiggggg?"
"'Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog."
"Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman 'yang pinagsasasabi mo?"
"'Yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay niyo.... Tumumba po 'yung isang nakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab 'yung kurtina at mabilis na kumalat ang apoy...."
"Ano? Puuut.... E, may kuryente naman diyan sa bahay-bakasyunan, a. Para saan 'yung kandila?"
"Para sa burol po."
"Ano? Kaninong burol?
"Sa nanay n'yo po, Sir. Bigla kasi siya dumating dito nu'ng isang gabi, walang kaabi-abiso. Lampas hatinggabi na. Akala ko po magnanakaw. Binaril ko."
taken from Philippine Scout rangers yahoo group ;)
TOP 10 WAYS A GUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
>
>
>
> #10 -- YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW .22.
>
> #9 -- YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE
> ON THE ROAD.
>
> #8 -- IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABL
> LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.
>
>
>
> #7 -- YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR
> A BACK UP.
>
> #6 -- YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.
>
> #5 -- A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.
>
> #4 -- HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.
>
> #3 -- A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"
>
> #2 -- A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.
>
> And, the number one way a handgun is better than a woman:
>
> #1 -- YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN!
>
>
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005,WHEN....
1. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
2. You have a list of 10 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
3. You e-mail the person who lives in the house next door.
4. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and
family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
5. You've sat at the same desk for four years and
worked for three Different companies.
6. You learn about your redundancy on the 10 o'clock news.
7. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use
your mobile phone to see if anyone is home
to help you carry in the groceries.
10. Leaving the house without your mobile phone,
which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years
of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn
around to go and get it.
11. You get up in the morning and go on line
before getting your coffee.
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are
going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that
there wasn't a #9 on this list.
re: Christmas Party
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees DATE: October 01, 2005 RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
...
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees DATE: October 02, 2005 RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
...
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employ ees DATE: October 03, 2005 RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
...
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees DATE: October 04, 2005 RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party-or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed, though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
...
FROM:: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F**king Employees DATE: October 05, 2005 RE: The F**king Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with y ou people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f**king salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
The Bi**ch from HEL!!!!!!!!
Patty
...
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2005 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party.
Joan
hahahaha!!!!!!
A year in a blonde's life
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ... duh, bottles won't fit in typewriter.
March - Got excited ... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months ... box said "2-4 years"!
April - Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid ... 8 cups of water won't fit those little packets!!!
June - Want to go water skiing ... couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition ... others cheated - they used their arms.
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm ... car was swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C" ... isn't it???
October - I hate M&M's ... they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions say 1 hr per pound ... I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911 .. duh, there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!!!
umakyat daw ng puno next to the church yung little girl. nakita ng pari, pinababa nya. on her way down, napansin ng pari na walang suot na underwear yung bata, naawa yung pari, binigyan nya ng 20 pesos and said "eto ineng, pambili ng panty mo".
the little girl went home excited and went to the mom with the 20 pesos. the mom asked where she got it, and the little girl told her what happened.
the mom, sensing opportunity to make an easy 20 pesos, took off her panty and climbed the same tree. nakita din ng pari, pinababa din nya, and of course couldn't help but noticed na walang panty yung nanay. binigyan nya ng 1 peso and said "eto po, pambili ng blade". :grin: