[Merged] Just for Laughs

[prinsipe]

The story is told about an old woman who offered the bus driver a handful of peanuts which he gratefully munched up. After some moments, she gave him more peanuts. Curious, the driver asked why she kept giving him peanuts.
“I have no teeth,” she replied.
“But why do you buy peanuts?” the driver asked.
“Oh, I just love the chocolate around them,” was the old woman’s reply.

[funkngruvn]

[bavent]

For the frog.

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk
Dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He
Walked up to a house of ill repute ( a brothel) and knocked on the
Door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little
Boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have
*** with one of the women inside. I have the money
And I'm not leaving until I do.' The Madam figured,
Why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told
Him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do
Any of the girls have any diseases?' Of course, the
Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the
Men talking about having to get shots after making it
With Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for
It, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the
Right. He headed down t he hall dragging the squashed
Frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still
Dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the
Door.The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you
Pick the only girl in the place with a disease,
Instead of one of the others?
'He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are
Going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home
With my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter
Will have *** with me because she just happens to be
Very fond of little boys. She will get the disease
That I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad
Will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump
Her bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to
Bed and have ***, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will
Deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch
T he disease.. And
HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!'

[xer]

KIDS IN CHURCH[SIZE=4]3-year-old Reese:[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,[/SIZE][SIZE=4]Harold is His name.[/SIZE][SIZE=4]Amen."[/SIZE][SIZE=4]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/SIZE][SIZE=4]A little boy was overheard praying:[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]I'm having a real good time like I am."[/SIZE][SIZE=4]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/SIZE][SIZE=4]After the christening of his baby brother in church, [/SIZE][SIZE=4]Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]His father asked him three times what was wrong.[/SIZE][SIZE=4]Finally, the boy replied,[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, [/SIZE][SIZE=4]and I wanted to stay with you guys."[/SIZE][SIZE=4]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/SIZE][SIZE=4]One particular four-year-old prayed,[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"And forgive us our trash baskets[/SIZE][SIZE=4]as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." [/SIZE][SIZE=4]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/SIZE][SIZE=4]A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they [/SIZE][SIZE=4]were on the way to church service,[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" [/SIZE][SIZE=4]One bright little girl replied,[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"Because people are sleeping."[/SIZE][SIZE=4]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/SIZE][SIZE=4]A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,[/SIZE][SIZE=4]'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' [/SIZE][SIZE=4]Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"Ryan, you be Jesus!"[/SIZE][SIZE=4]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/SIZE][SIZE=4]A father was at the beach with his children [/SIZE][SIZE=4]when the four-year-old son ran up to him,[/SIZE][SIZE=4]grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore[/SIZE][SIZE=4]where a seagull lay dead in the sand.[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]The boy thought a moment and then said,[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"Did God throw him back down?"[/SIZE][SIZE=4]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/SIZE][SIZE=4]A wife invited some people to dinner.[/SIZE][SIZE=4]At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, [/SIZE][SIZE=4]"Would you like to say the blessing?"[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. [/SIZE][SIZE=4]The daughter bowed her head and said,[/SIZE][SIZE=4]"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" [/SIZE][SIZE=4]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/SIZE]

[mayana]

[SIZE=3]Nagkakilala raw ang isang babae at isang lalake sa isang waiting shed. Mukhang na-love at first sila. Tanong ni lalake sa babae:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Anong name mo?” sagot ni babae—“Carmen.” [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Baket naman Carmen?” tanong ni lalake.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Sagot ni babae, “Kasi mahilig ako sa CAR at sa MEN.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Ikaw, ano naman ang name mo?” tanong ni Carmen kay lalake.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Sagot ni lalake… PEPE![/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Hindi na nagtanong pa si babae. [/SIZE]

[russpogi]

[SIZE=3]Nagkakilala raw ang isang babae at isang lalake sa isang waiting shed. Mukhang na-love at first sila. Tanong ni lalake sa babae:[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Anong name mo?” sagot ni babae—“Carmen.” [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Baket naman Carmen?” tanong ni lalake.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Sagot ni babae, “Kasi mahilig ako sa CAR at sa MEN.”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]“Ikaw, ano naman ang name mo?” tanong ni Carmen kay lalake.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Sagot ni lalake… PEPE![/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Hindi na nagtanong pa si babae. [/SIZE]

Hahahaha!!!!!

[mayana]

Sabi nila, “Pag nadapa ka, bumangon ka.”
Sabi ko naman, “Papano kung nadapa ka sa hubad na katawan ng taong kinababaliwan mo, babangon ka pa ba, sige nga?”

[boybi]

Telesales agent getting the customer's credit card info:
Agent: Can I have your expiration date, sir?
Customer: My what?!!
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Telesales agent giving promo spiels:
Agent: You called at the right time, ma'am. We have a lot of freebies to give away, such as free installation, free equipment, and free DVD player. That's a great offer, di ba?
Customer: huh?!
-------------------------------------------------
Agent verifying info from the customer:
Agent: Is that a P for Ping-Pong?
Customer: No, it's B.
Agent: Oh, B, like Bing-Bong...
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Customer trying to return a defective product:
Customer: I need to return this defective sauna belt that you delivered yesterday.
Agent: For that concern, you can call our customer service at www.picustomerservice.com.
Customer: Call where??!!
-----------------------------------------------
Agent answering a call:
Agent: Thank you for calling Dish Network Department, my name is Vince..... (sees that the number called by customer is for a different client-- a DirecTV dealer).
Customer: So, I called the wrong number then?
Agent: Let me transfer you to DirecTV please dont go.... (puts the customer on hold, and then)... Thank you for calling DirecTV Department, my name is Vince...
------------------------------------------------------
Agent wrapping up the sale:
Agent: Our INSTALLATORS will contact you within the next 24 hours to verify your installation schedules...
Customer: Uhm... say what, now. Who's gonna call me?
Agent: The INSTALLATORS, sir.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Agent getting coupon code from customer:
Agent: Can I ask for the coupon code? It's a bunch of letters.
Customers: Like ABCs?
Agent: Yes.
Customer: Ok. ABCDEFG....
--------------------------------------------------------
Agent giving the customer service web address:
Agent: It's P- as in Papa, I- as in India, C- as in costume, U- as in you, S- as in Sam, T- as in Tango, O.... Oscar...V- for Voy...
-------------------------------------------------------------
Agent wrapping up the sale, trying to give the account info to customer:
Agent: I will now be giving you your account number and order confirmation number, do you have a PEN and BALLPEN with you?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Agent trying to create urgency over the available promotion:
Agent: Are you sure you don't want to take advantage of me?
Customer: Say, what?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Agent trying to upsell a warranty:
Agent: Here's an example: In California, a plane crashed into a customer's house, their dish was replaced, no questions asked!
------------------------------------------------------
Agent trying to upsell a TiVo to customer:
Agent: With a TiVo, you can do this and that, and you know, pretty much anything under the sun. Isn't that a great offer?
Customer: What?
-----------------------------------------------------------
Agent was asking the customer about the cost of his cable service:
Agent: How much are you paying with your current provider?
Customer: Well, I'm only paying $25.00 (--which is way cheaper than what the agent was offering)
Agent: (Surprised) Shet, magkano??!!
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Agent getting customer's address:
Agent: Can I have your address, please?
Customer: It's twenyfurfif-ysavan newyaorkgh road (2457 New York Road)
Agent: Can you repeat that ulit?
---------------------------------------------------------
Agent asking the customer to be put on hold:
Tech Agent: Sir, Can I hold you for just a minute?
Customer: Sure, baby, go ahead!

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Agent verifying correct spelling:
Agent: Is that a B as in boy, or a B as in Bravo?
Customer: ...uhmmm... how about B as in Boy?
-----------------------------------------------------------
Technical Agent giving customer support:
Agent: Is the ethernet cord connected?
Cust: Tha Hwhut??? (with Alabama accent)
Agent: Yung yellow cord kung nakakabit ba!
-----------------------------------------------------------

Agent from a local phone company entertaining a Visayan customer:
Customer: hillo! wala kasi yung bell ng pon namin??
Agent: Hindi naman po ba nabagsak yung phone?
Customer: Hende naman.
Agent: Kailan pa po ito nagsimula?
Customer: Ang alen?
Agent: Na hindi po nagri-ring yung phone?
Customer: Nagre-reng naman ah?!
Agent: Di ba sabi mo walang ring?
Customer: Hende! yong BELL! yong lestahan nong babayaran namin!!
Agent: aahhh... yung BILL?!
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Technical Agent: To help you out with your concern, ma'am, let me just pull out my tool here, ok? (referring to a computer program used in call centers to address the customer's concerns)
Customer: Pull out your what now?
----------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: Okay, Bob, just type P on your keyboard?
Customer: What? Could you repeat that?
Tech Support: 'P' on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: No way. I'm not going to do that.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Agent: Sir, that is C for Cubao, Q for Quiapo.....

Customer: What is that?! I dont understand. I don't want to talk to you.
Agent: Who do you want to talk to?
Customer: I want to talk to the highest person.
Agent: My supervisor is not available as of the moment sir.
Customer: I said, I want to talk to the highest person.
Agent: Ok, you want to talk to the highest person?
Customer: Yes!
Agent: Do you want to talk to God?
Customer: what the f***! I'd rather talk to you.
------------------------------------------------------------
Irate Customer: F***k you!
Tech Support: Sir, we're not allowed to say "F***k you!" here...
----------------------------------------------------------------

Agent: It's C as in CAT.
Customer: what?
Agent: C as in CAT. C-A-T as in meow meow...
-----------------------------------------------------------

Agent: Thank you for calling us, this is Candy, how may I help you?

Customer: What did you say your name was... Mandy?
Agent: No, sir, it's Candy.
Customer: Sorry, i can't hear ya... didja say Mandy?
Agent: It's Candy sir... Candy... as in Storck!
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Agent: Alright, let me verify that... Was that a "G" as in golf?
Customer (with a different accent): NO! That was a "G" as! in GEBRA! (z as in zebra)
Oh, Gebra! like the one in the Goo?!
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Agent: Yeah, sir....hello sir... are you there?
Customer: Yes, sorry. I'm still there.
-------------------------------------------------

Agent: Ok, sir... do u have a PEN and a PENCIL ready?
Customer: What?!!
Agent: Oh, Im sorry, sir... i mean, do u have a PEN and a BALLPEN ready?
--------------------------------------------------

Agent: I'd like to speak with Billy Thompson please?
Contact: He's not in. Would you like to leave a message in his voicemail?
Agent: Sure, SIGE..
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Tech support: We're going to perform a check disk to see if your hard drive has errors in it. Please type in C-H-K-D-S-K.
Customer: What is that again?
Tech Support: C-H-K-D-S-K... that is... C as in Charlie... H as in Harley... K as in Karly.. D as in Darley... S as in Sarley... and K as in Karly... got it?

[dbuzz]

AFTER THE HONEYMOON A YOUNG BRIDE WROTE TO HER MOTHER expressing her disappointment after finding out that her new husband, a veteran, has only one foot due to land mine.
----------------------------------------------------
she wrote:
"Mama, I am really disappointed in my honeymoon because Roger has only one foot"
----------------------------------------------------
the mother replied:
"You are so blessed my daughter!!..hey..your father has only six inches."
----------------------------------------------------

[wildthing]

this was on my email:


DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE -

MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaay
too much time on their hands!

(Probably a son-in-law).