[Merged] Just for Laughs

[chua_riwap]

Ewan ko kung meron na nito dito. Pulot ko lang...........



Three surgeons are boasting about their respective surgical skills.

“I operated on the leg of a man,” said the orthopedic surgeon, “and now he is a champion marathon runner.”

“I operated on the heart of a man,” said the cardiac surgeon, “and now he is an Olympic gold medalist in decathlon.”

“That’s nothing,” said the cosmetic surgeon. “I put a mole on the cheek of a dwarf, and now she is the President!"

[themann]

A man went to the ER to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the
ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum
jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

Now you decide what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring
__________________________________________________ ______________________

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their ass, the
results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny....

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man,
and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

__________________________________________________ ___________________________

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jell-o
and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whooooa, good luck buddy!
I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

__________________________________________________ ___________________________________

A South Carolina couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African black bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?' The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little tribal experiment coming along?' 'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No" the husband replied... "it's turned black".
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"




She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

__________________________________________________ ______________________

A lovely and very ***y blonde goes into her local pet shop in Search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.
The sign says: "*** Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete Instructions.

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions." The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way
home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Put some nice satin sheets on your bed.
2. Take a nice warm bubble bath.
3. Splash on some nice perfume.
4. Slip into a very ***y nightie.
5. Light a pair of candles by the bed.
6. Put on a CD with some very soft classical music playing quietly in the background.
7. Slip into bed and place the frog beside you
The frog will do what he has been trained to do.

She quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, Nothing happens. The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store and speak To the man that sold the frog to you." So the blonde calls the pet shop.

The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done Everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares into its Eyes and says very sternly: "Look, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

__________________________________________________ ______________________

The miracle of toilet paper.....

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror,
complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for
a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and
stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.

[themann]

The International Council of Man laws, Ltd.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save it's master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed!

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding *** pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have *** with her.
Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey ***, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 3. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

· "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
* "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty!"

[110 MPH]

Just thought you all might need a laugh.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ...very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[bavent]

Subj: CHINESE SICK CALL

Hung Chow calls work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that I go to my wife and tell her to give me ***. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.

"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

================================

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies "No. What do you mean?"

"You must be new here," she says. "Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Finished, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No. What do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the nudist colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says.

"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

"Listen lady," the man replies, "I'm 68 years old. I get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here!"

[onat_1]

^^^^ this one makes my day :rofl::rofl:

[110 MPH]

You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having *** with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he
turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy.... for everything else there's MASTERCARD




'Life isn't like a bowl of cherries , it's more like a hot curry--what you do today,
might burn your ass tomorrow......'

[110 MPH]

THREE MEN HIKING

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof!.....God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God,please give me the strength and the tools to cross the river.'Poof!'......God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'
Poof!.....He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked two
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

GO AHEAD, SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ANY MAN WHO
CAN HANDLE IT!

'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you'.

[nitrox]

Ito ang alamat kung bakit nagsi-sinungaling ang mga lalaki...

Karpintero itong si Jojo at isang araw eh gumagawa siya ng isang bahay sa tabi ng ilog.Sa lakas ng pagma-martilyo niya eh nalaglag ang martilyo niya sa ilog...umiyak siya at lumitaw yung guardian angel niya, "tutulungan kita, Jojo".. .sabay lundag sa ilog.

Lumabas ito na me hawak na gold hammer,"ito ba ang martilyo mo?"... "hindi po"...lundag uli ang anghel at lumitaw na me silver hammer, "ito ba?"..."hindi po"...lundag uli sa ilog ang anghel at lumitaw na me ordinary hammer, "ito ba?"..."opo" .natuwa ang anghel, "dahil honest ka, bukod sa martilyo mo, sa 'yo na rin ang gold and silver hammer"...

Makaraan ang ilang araw, naglalakad si Jojo sa ilog at kasama ang misis niya...eh sa katangahan,nalaglag si misis sa ilog...iyak si Jojo... litaw si guardian angel, "tutulungan kita"...sabay lundag sa ilog at ng lumitaw eh kasama si Paris Hilton, "ito ba ang misis mo?"...sagot si Jojo, "opo"...nagalit si anghel, "sinungaling ka. Akala ko pa naman mabait ka"...

Nag- reason-out si Jojo, "sorry po, angel...kasi kapag sinabi kong 'Hindi', eh lulundag ka uli sa tubig at pag-litaw mo eh kasama mo si Jessica Simpson, at pag sinabi ko uli na hindi siya ang asawa ko eh lulundag ka uli at ang tunay na misis ko na ang kasama mo. At dahil sa kabaitan ko eh ibibigay mo din sa akin sina Paris at Jessica. Mahirap lang po ako at hindi ko kaya ang me tatlong asawa, kaya 'Yes' na lang ang sinagot ko nung una.

Moral of the story: kaya lang naman nagsi-sinungaling ang mga lalaki is for a good and noble reason.

[nostalgia]

Got this from email and i think it is hilarious. In fact there is also another one but I didn't post it kasi medyo green yung ibang content eh. baka mapagalitan ako dito .

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from
his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship.

The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have
cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to
either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I
sent to you.

Love, Becky


The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, Aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of
Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he
had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that
envelope along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to
me.

Take Care, Ricky