DRILLER - He’s worked on every Rig in the fleet. Packing a chip on his

shoulder because he thinks that he should have been promoted to Toolpusher

by now. He isn’t kin to the Pusher, but he knows his wife really, really

well.


ASSISTANT DRILLER - Wannabe Directional Driller. Always wondering when the

rest of the “Oilpatch” will catch up to him. Only reason he is not running

the rig now is he still has to count the stands POOH by taking one marble

out of one pocket for each stand and placing it in the other pocket. Still

trying to persuade the Toolpusher, his wife’s brother, that he can count 3

tooljoints without messing up. Only claim to fame is painting the

Derrickman’s Sister’s name and phone number on the Water Tower years ago, in

all the Gulf Coast States.


DERRICKMAN - Wanna be Driller, just like his 3rd cousin. Gets paid 25 cents

more than the roughnecks and thinks he’s getting rich. He’s young and

strong, but also stupid. Knew he wasn’t afraid of heights since the day he

climbed the water tower in his hometown and painted over his sister’s name

and phone number,


SHAKERHAND - Couldn’t cut it as a roughneck because he kept getting his feet

tangled up in the rotary. Got the job at the shakers so that he wouldn’t

hurt no-one else on the Drill crew. Either married to the Driller’s sister

or his Uncle is the Drilling Superintendant, which is the only excuse to how

he could possibly hold down what is most likely the easiest job in the

oilfield. Claims he can tell what the weight and viscosity of the mud is by

simply tasting it.


SACKHAND - Wanna be Mud Engineer. Has his Class “D” Drivers license for

forklift operation, which is gold engraved and mounted in a 5”x7” frame in

his locker next to his 1st cousin’s picture. Claims he developed and holds

the patent for the “Taste Test” that he trained the Shaker Hand, his half

brother, to use extensively.


FLOORHAND - Was a Roustabout but got his break at Roughnecking when the real

Roughneck got drunk and locked up, and couldn’t make it to work, and he’s

also the Pusher’s nephew.


ROUSTABOUT - A real Roughneck wannabe, but usually to dumb to become one,

unless he’s the Pusher’s nephew.


SAFETY COORDINATOR - Not coordinated enough. Usually walks around looking up

all the time. Tries to take charge of safety meetings and claims that the

rig could not operate without his extensive knowledge. In charge of the

satellite receiver, and always asking people about their weight. Always

bragging about how he has to go to the office for another “meeting” with the

big wheels.


ELECTRICIAN - Usually knicknamed “sparky”. Had his own business a long time

ago but wen broke. His third cousin- the Night Pusher, got him his job. Has

been on the same rig 20 or 30 years. Hangs on until they force him to retire

and ends up working at Walmart, greeting people as they come in, always

telling them about the sales in the lighting department. The one’s that get

laid off before their 70 years old usually go to work for the carnival.


MECHANIC - This position is only for offshore and barge rigs. He’s an old

Motorman who can lift his little tool box, but he got the job because he

knows the Superintendant. He gave the Super his first job on a drilling rig

way back when. No kin to anyone on the rig and says that’s just fine with

him.


MOTORMAN - He’s too old to pull slips but he knows how to fix the Kelly

Spinner and Top Drive. Has his own little Tool Box. He’s the Pusher’s Uncle.



CRANE OPERATOR - Has many responsibilities, however, his main responsibility

is checking the fish traps. Constantly in search of an above average

Roustabout to train to run the crane so all he has to do is stand around,

stay clean and talk about deer hunting. Most of the time he is related to

someone very hight up in the office maintain this position.


WELDER - He can never be found and the only ones who believe his stories are

the Roustabouts. Claims to be able to weld toilet paper to a light bulb.

Always says he’s working on something but needs more overtime in order to

finish it. He also helps the Crane Op. with the fish traps. Usually 40-45

years old, or so, and used to be in the National Guard Reserve, but swears

he fought in the Vietnam and Desert Storm. He is still learning to read.

Always day-dreaming, wanting a cold beer and always complaining about the

food. One of the Driller’s is his brother-in-law, and the Driller thinks his

brother-in-law is the best there is.


RIG MEDIC - Wannabe Physician or race car driver but knocked up his

girlfriend and could not afford to go to Med school. Took a job driving an

ambulance to satisfy his hunger for racing. After using all his luck driving

ambulances, he got assigned to a rig as a medic because he just loves

people. Sometimes doubles as a Safety Coordinator.


CEMENTER - Has to call his office to figure every job. Does his very best to

work the entire job without having to get on his unit. Gets more sleep than

anyone on the rig and constantly worries about gaining weight and when his

relief is going to show up. His primary job is to tie down the satellite

dish when the winds pick up.


STORE MANAGER - This person knows how to change the satellite receiver

system and is usually in charge of the football pools unless the Safety

Coordinator beats him to it. He dreams of the Saints going to the Super

Bowl. Doesn’t own coveralls, hard hat or steel-toe boots and doesn’t have a

clue to what a drilling rig really does.


DISPATCHER - Too lazy to work at a real job and has been around the world at

least 5 times. Claims he knows the President, or at least the man in charge,

of every oilfield related company in the Oilpatch. He really should, because

he has dispatched for them at one time or the other. All he ever talks about

is going to work for Production and winning the Lottery. Sometimes doubles

as the Safety Coordinator.


BIT SALESMAN - Now these guys are really dumb. They almost always have bad

backs and pretty wives. He can tell you who’s been fired and who’s been

hired and which rig is the best in the fleet. He also knows where the best

Strip joints are and knows all the girls by their real names.


STEWARD - Usually retired Military. Couldn’t cook then and still can’t.

Claims that his food keeps the rig crews going, and the place couldn’t run

without him. If he’s kin to anyone, they don’t claim him. Usually makes

friends with the Safety Coordinator.


GALLEY HAND - No one knows who they are or where they come from. They tell a

different story each time they are asked. Most are hiding out from the law,

why else would they work 35 days on and 7 days off? They set off to New

Orleans to join the French Foreign Legion, but got suckered in by some

Catering company in Houma to go to work for them. They all hate the cooks

and wish they would fall over-board. Usually, after 3 hitches offshore, they

turn themselves into the law and are never heard from again.



BARGE ENGINEER - Started up the ladder by watching the fish traps as a Crane

Operator and was assigned as a Barge Engineer so he could watch his Soaps

and stay in the cool air. Claims to continuously keep the Toolpusher out of

trouble but actually doesn’t know diddly. Wants to be Toolpusher but doesn’t

have the grunt to go through drilling to get Pusher job. Sometimes doubles

as the Safety Coordinator.


H2S TECHNICIAN - Claims his acute sense of smell is second only to a

Pedigree Basset Hound’s. Usually can find this individual in the rig’s

bathroom or roadside parks, smelling and documenting individual farts.

Graduated from the same School of Arts as the Mud Logger. Extensive

additional overseas schooling accumulated, actually in floral shops, where

he fine tuned his keen sense of smell. When going to the sites of poisonous

gas releases, he expects the cloud to part for him the same way the Red Sea

parted for Moses. Claims he held his breath the entire time while single

handedly capping the highest release of poisonous gas ever recorded, had to

have been over 4,000,000 ppm. This must account for the reason his ears and

eyes bulge out from under-neath his hard hat.