[Merged] Just for Laughs

DOC: umubo ka!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: ubo pa!
PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: okay.
PEDRO: ano po ba sakit ko doc?
DOC: may ubo ka.


in a miss gay pageant:
HOST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic
crisis?
BAKLA: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala!


1. Trulalu.
2. eklavu
3. eklavu.
4. trulalu
5. eklavu
6. trulalu
7. trulalu.
8. eklavu
9. trulalu
10. trulalu
-batang bading nagsasagot ng true or false na quiz.


MEKANIKO: sir, hindi ko po naayos preno ng kotse niyo.
CUSTOMER: ha?! Pano yan?
MEKANIKO: nilakasan ko na lang po ang inyong busina! Happy trip na lang po!

Kung nag GAY LANGUAGE sana sila GMA at GARCI eh di walang SCAM!
GMA: hallow gracia!
GARCI: uy mother ever! Na chenilyn de kimberlyn ko na po yung mga chuva ek ek.
GMA: bonggacious! Eh yung mga chenes chenes, carry na ba?
GARCI: flatshoes! Winnie santos mama, wiz na wori eclavou na ever! Na chorva na!
GMA: ang tarushki! Maldita ka talaga vruha ka! Eh di windra na naman
watashi?!
GARCI: anufi ate.
GMA: oshah ba.


Divorced father: anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for child
support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya.
Anak: mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na niya ito sakin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng face mo.
Mom: sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!


BOY: dad, tulong naman sa assignment ko. Find the least common denominator daw.
DAD: ha? aba'y elementary pa lang ako eh hinahanap na nila yan ah! Aba'y di pa ba nila nakikita?


Anong sabi ng centipede nung may nakasalubong siyang isang centipede?
"uy pare. Apir!apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir!
apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!apir! apir!.... ......


Imagine if all straight guys are talking in gay lingo.
STUDENT: bakit di mo chinuva yung girlalu? Malaki naman ang susey ng lola
mo ah.
HUNK: Winnie cordero nga dude sa susey, Melanie marquez naman sa
brainwaves. Wit na.

Jaworski while coaching: keber sa kalaban! Just focus! We cannot afford to
luz valdez ! Getlakin niyo yung last freethrow! Windangin yung mga julaban!
Ok! Go for the gold to the highest level mga chorva! Gow lang! gow lang ng gow!


BOY1: nakakakawa naman lola mo.
BOY2: bakit?
BOY1: nakasabay ko kasi magsimba nung isang araw, ubo ng ubo.
Pinagtitinginan nga ng tao.
BOY2: papansin lang yun!
BOY1: bakit?
BOY2: bago kasi blouse niya!


A boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:
If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?
SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, bra, panty!

TEACHER: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka?
MGA BATA: eeewwww!


BOY: is this your first time?
GIRL: (angrily) oo naman noh. You guys talaga. So kuleeet! Always asking me the same question. Paulit-ulit. Hmp!


Magsyota sa motel.
BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito.
GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito!
BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!


STUDENT: ma'am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman ginawa?
TEACHER: natural hindi.
STUDENT: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko!


PARI: halika sa sulok
MADRE: bakit po?
PARI: sara mo pinto.
MADRE: wag po!
PARI: patayin mo ilaw!
MADRE: diyos ko po!
PARI: tamo rosary ko. Glow in the dark!

TITSER: bat ka na-late?
EDWARD: nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki.
TITSER: tinulungan mo siyang maghanap?
EDWARD: hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya.


Sa kasalan
PARI: sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.
GROOM: eto P5, father.
Tinignan ng pari ang bride.
PARI: eto P4 sukli mo iho.


Sabi nung friend ko, nakakalaki daw ng tiyan ang beer. Kasi noon minsan nalasing siya, nabuntis siya!

Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.
ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
LIBRARIAN: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!


JAIME ZOBEL DE AYALA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Spanish.
HENRY SY: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Chinese.
LITO ATIENZA: 1/2 Hawaiian, 1/2 Polo.
MIKE ARROYO: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 pork.
JOHN OSMENA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pinay.
PROSPERO PICHAY: 1/2 Unggoy, 1/2 gulay.
GMA: 1/2 ... only.


SA OSPITAL.....
WIFE: hon, nahirapan ako huminga.
HUSBAND: kung nahirapan ka ng huminga, itigil mo na.

GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?
BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.
GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang tarantado!


INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.
[pagkatapos tawagan.]
ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot.
INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh! Anong sabi?
ANAK: 'you only have zero pesos in your account...' hindi ko na tinapos nay mukhang matapobre.


nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko lang siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.
BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.
ERAP: bobo! Seedless to!


ANAK: nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?
NANAY: yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.
ANAK: mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!
NANAY: bakit?
ANAK: ang dami niyong utos eh!


thought to ponder:
hindi kaya ang dahilan ng pagbaha sa panahon ni Noah ay pinutol niya lahat
ng puno para gumawa ng napaka laking arko? ano sa tingin mo?

kung totoo ang ' Darwin 's theory of evolution' na ang tao ay nagmula sa unggoy, bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo?


PEDRO: niloko ko yung tindera kanina.
JUAN: paano mo naman niloko yung tindera?
PEDRO: nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong celfon.


DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali sa paluwagan.
PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
DORAY: bakit mare?
PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako.


Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.
ATTENDANT: naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase.
ERAP: hay salamat. Akala ko bago

1. There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box.
The Female pencil got pregnant!! Which Male pencil is responsible?
THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.


2. Woman in bed with husband's best friend, phone rings! 'YES'.. OK, BYE'.
She turns to her lover and says, THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU.


3. Three Roosters: normal, retarded and a gay.
Normal : cock-a-doodle- dooo !!!
Retarded : doodle-cock- a-dooo !!!
Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!


4. Three Guys were introduced to a girl.
Hi,.... I'm Peter, not a SAINT.
I'm Paul not a POPE.
I'm John not a BAPTIST...

The girl replied.. Hi.. I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN.


5. Girlfriends are appetizers. Taste good at any time.
Mistresses are Tomyams. Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently.
WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when there's nothing to eat.!!!


6. Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER.
She replied: I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!

A husband is at home watching a basketball game when his wife interrupts.
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well,then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says. "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damned carpenter and I don't want to fix steps, " he says, "Does it look like a I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to Padi's Point and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home and help out. As he walks to the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey, how'd all this get fixed?"

She says,, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.

He says "So what kind of cake did you bake him?".

She replies, "Helloooo ... do you see Goldilock's written on my forehead???!!!"

ANG LIHAM NI BEBENG


Registered nurse si Bebeng sa L.A. Kasama niya ang kanyang ina na
nagpagamot doon. Namatay ang ina nito. Dahil sa kamahalan ng pamasahe
pabalik sa Pilipinas, nagtipid si Bebeng. Pinauwi na lang niya ang
kabaong ng kanyang ina na mag-isa.

Pagdating ng kabaong, napansin ng mga kapamilya niya na nakadikit ang
mukha ng ina sa salamin ng ataul. Nagkomento tuloy ang isang anak, "Ay,
naku! Tingnan mo 'yan... hindi sila marunong mag-ayos ng bangkay sa
Amerika! Nakudrado tuloy ang mukha ng inay."

Upang ayusin ang itsura ng bangkay, binuksan ang kabaong. Aba ! May
sulat na-nakastaple sa dibdib ng ina. Kinuha nila ito at binasa. Ang
nilalaman ng liham na mula kay Bebeng:


Mahal kong tatay at mga kapatid:

Pasensya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang nanay sa pag-uwi riyan sa
Pilipinas dahil napakamahal ng pamasahe. "Ang gastos ko pa lang sa
kanya ay mahigit $10,000 na. Ayoko nang isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga. Anyway,
ipinadala ko kasama ni nanay ang mga sumusunod...

Nasa likod ni nanay ang dalawampu't apat na karnenorte at isang
dosenang spam. Ang adidas na suot ni nanay ay para kay tatay. Ang limang pares ng
de-goma ay nasa loob ng dalawang asul na Jansport na backpack na inuunan ni
nanay. Tig-iisa kayo.

Ang iba't-ibang klase ng tsokolate at candy ay nasa puwetan ni nanay.
Para sa mga bata ito. Bahala na kayong magparte-parte. Sana'y hindi natunaw.
Ang pokemon stuffed toy na yapos-yapos ni nanay ay para sa bunso ni ate.
Gift Ko sa first birthday ng bata. Ang itim na Esprit bag ay para kay Nene.

Ate, nasa loob ng bag ang pictures ni inay, japanese version ng pokemon
trading cards at stickers. "Suot ni nanay ang tatlong Ralph Lauren,
apat na Gap at dalawang Old Navy t-shirts. Ang isa ay para kay Kuya at tig-iisa
angmga pamangkin ko. Maisusuot ninyo ang mga iyan sa fiesta.

Suot din ni inay ang anim na panty hose at tatlong warmer para sa mga
dalaga kong pamangkin. Isuot nyo sa party.May isang dosenang NBA caps
sa may paanan ni nanay. Para sa inyo, itay, kuya, dikong, Tiyo Romy. Bigyan
nyo na rin ng tig-isa 'yung mga pamangkin ko at 'yong isa ay kay Pareng
Tulume.

Ang tigdadalawang pares ng Nike wristband at knee caps na suot-suot din
ninanay ay para sa mga anak mo, diko, na nagbabasketball. Tigdadalawang
reamng Marlboro lights at Winston red ang nasa pagitan ng mga hita ni
nanay.

Apat na jar ng Skippy Peanut Butter, dalawang dishwashing liquid, isang
Kiwi glass cleaner at tig-aanim na Colgate at Aqua Fresh ang nakasiksik
sakilikili ni nanay. Hati-hati na kayo, huwag mag-aagawan.

Isang dosenang Wonder bra ( Victoria 's Secret ata ang
tatak)gustong-gusto ni Tiya Iskang society natin, suot-suot din ni nanay. Alam kong
inaasam-asam nyo 'yan, tiya. Anim na lipstick lang ang kasya sa bra. Ang Rolex na
bilin-bilin mo tatay, suot-suot ni nanay. Nakatakip sa Nike na
wristband. Kunin mo agad, Itay.

May isinisik akong zip-loc sa bunganga ni Inay na naglalaman ng $759
dollars. Hindi na ako nakatakbo sa ATM. Puede na siguro sa libing iyon.

Iyong tong na makokolekta, i-time deposit niyo Kuya para pag namatay si
Tatay may pambili na ng ataul.Ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas (na may
nakakabit pang anim na nail cutters) nagustong-gusto mo, ditse, ay
suot-suot din ni nanay. Kunin mo na rin agad, ditse. Ibigay mo ang isang
nailcutter kay Jay bakla sa kanto.

Tanggalin niyo ang bulak sa ilong ng inay, may isiniksik ako 3
diyamante sa bawat butas. Ibangon niyo lang si inay at tiyak na malalaglag na ang
mga iyon. Konting alog lang siguro ng ulo.

Marami pa sana akong ipaglalalagay kaya lang, baka mag-excess at si
nanay pa ang maiwan. Basta parte-parte kayo, tatay, kuya, ate, dikong, ditse.
Parasa inyo lahat ito. Bahala na kayo kay nanay. Pamimisahan ko na lang
siya rito.

Balitaan ninyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing. Alam ni ate ang email
ko.Paki-double check ang lista kung walang nawala sa mga ipinadala ko.


Nagmamahal,
Bebeng

Subject: An actual letter to the Canadian Passport Office!


This is too funny---

This has got to be one of the funniest letters I've ever seen....what a hoot!

I can just imagine what kind of investigation this guy is under NOW!!!!


Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v.cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.


Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!</
P>

****!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this b..lshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f..kin' address.
What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals a..holes workin' there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shitsakes.
I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **** whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another f..kin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60 !!!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the f..kin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some a..hole to confirm that it's really me on the g..damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?!

(f..kin' morons)

Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate f..king Canadian Citizen.



P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.

I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST f..king CHINA!!!

Batangueno ka ga?

--------------------------------

Airplane Crashes in Batangas
An airplane crashed at a town in Batangas.

MEDIA: Manong, pakilarawan po ang nangyari.

LOLO: Ala eh, nakow, garne ga utoy... Kakaalmusal ko laang, gayakako'y sisinsay sa kahanggan, ay natan-awan ko yaan sa alapaap ay nagsisilab.Bago sumirko ng papagay-on na kala mo'y papatak. Ginagaling na laangat sa sukalan areh sumugba, ay kung sa kabayanan ga, ay di panay mgautas!

MEDIA: Ho?

----------------

Vehicular Accident in Batangas

MEDIA: 'Lo, kayo daw po'ng saksi?

LOLO: Ay uwoh! Ika'y pumarne dine sa silong. Kung ako pa naman ang dadais sa iyo para magsalaysay ay sulong!

MEDIA: 'Sensya na po sa abala.

LOLO: Ako'y naka-ungkot laang dine at karakaraka'y ako'y nagitla sa busina. May mag-inang hasing-hasi pa ng paghihikap ay gab-eng gab-e na! Bakin ga aring dyip ay saksakan ng tulin???Ay di ako'y palakat na sa mag-inang di naiingli! Aba'y maiipit na'y naka-umis pa!Kainaman….Hayown!Sa pag-iwas ng dyip ay sumalya sa tarangka, tiklap ang tapaludung lasa ko'y kawangki ng nilamukos na kiche. Pagkakabugnot ng drayber!Ngalngal e!

MEDIA: Ano raw?

Sorry hindi ko alam kung sino ang author ng 2 post ko sa itaas para ma acknowlege, email forwarded to me by friends.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by 110 MPH

Sorry hindi ko alam kung sino ang author ng 2 post ko sa itaas para ma acknowlege, email forwarded to me by friends.

---

Ok lang yun! Most of the things we post here are normally taken from emails forwarded to us by our friends and family.

Hahaha! Laugh trip mga post mo! Especially about the Canadian! :grin:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by russpogi

Ok lang yun! Most of the things we post here are normally taken from emails forwarded to us by our friends and family.

Hahaha! Laugh trip mga post mo! Especially about the Canadian! :grin:

---

Thanks, BTW if anybody wants to copy and paste my post here to send it to others has my permission to do so.
Here is another one; Tried to resize but this is the smallest I can get, MODS, pls delete if it takes too much space.

STUPIDITIES:

Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

------------ ------
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle).... in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

hahaha.
natawa ako dun sa batangueno.

batangueno din kasi ako pero
muntik ng dumugo ilong ko dun
ah. hahaha.