[Merged] Just for Laughs

[kimpOy]

sarap ngang ulit-ulitin

lalo na yung si JEN............ JEN SABURIT he..he..he..he

> Joe Quirino: Sharon, are you familiar with the current problems we have in the film industry?
> Sharon: Sorry, Tito Joe, I'm afraid not.
> JQ: What about you Myra, what can you say?
> Myra Manibog: Naku Tito Joe, I'm afraid also!
(bwahahahha)

[lacsanet]

PINOY LESSONS IN LINGUISTICS

1. Noong 1940's, kapag may bra ang babae, pinagbubulungan na at
mababansagang malandi. Noon din ay may French perfume na ang tatak ay Eclat
(silent T). Kaya ang taong maarte ay tinawag ng mga Pinoy na Eclat
(pronounce the T). Ngayon kapag maraming tsetseburetse at kaartehan ganon
din ang tawag, "Ang dami mo namang eklat." Kinalaunan, pinaikli pa ang eklat
at naging ek-ek- "Ang tagal mo namang magdesisyon kung sasama ka o hindi!
Ang dami mong ek-ek!"

2. Noong elementary ako, uso pa ang Wakasan, sinusubaybayan ko ang nobelang
Tubig at Langis; ang Movie Especial na komiks kung saan kapanapanabik ang
bawat eksena sa buhay ni Zuma na siya namang ama ni Galema. Sa komiks ang
tawag sa babaeng nagbebenta ng panandaliang aliw ay baylerina. Kinalaunan,
naging belyas, tapos naging English, hospitality girls tapos ngayon GRO.

3. Elementary ako nang makagisnan ko ang batiang "Give Me Five". Masyado
yatang pormal ang handshake kaya "Give me Five, Man" ang pumalit.
Tuwang-tuwa ang mga magulang kapag natutunan ng kanilang anak na paslit ang
mag-give me five. Tapos sa mga American games, naging High Five o "Give me
five, up here!" Hindi pahuhuli ang Pinoy basta galing sa America. Ang "Give
me five, up here" ay naging "Appear". Halos lahat yata ng Pinoy babies
ganito ang series of training, "Anak, where is the light; where is the
moon?" Ang nadagdag, "Appear! Appear!" At dahil sa E.T. ni Speilberg,
"Align, Align!" Again, Tuwang-tuwa ang mga magulang.

4. Nang mag- Community Medicine ako noon sa isang slum area ng Sta. Ana,
Manila. Ito ang top 3 gamit na hindi mawawala sa mga bahay, gaano mang
kaliit ang barung-barong: 1. Panyong may tatak na panalangin ng El Shaddai
2. Television 3. Karaoke. Kakambal na ng Pinoy ang pagkanta. Noon, kapag
nagkakantahan, gamit ay gitara at song hits (Jingle). Napalitan ito nang
70's-80's ng minus one. Tapos, karaoke. Ngayon, videoke, at sa huling talaan
ng pagkakaalam ko, 8 na ang namamatay sa "My Way". Naalala ko noong
elementary pa ko, nagtayo ang kuya ko at ng kanyang mga kaibigan ng isang
Combo. Ngayon, ang tawag sa singing group ay-- Band, hindi na Combo at ang
Combo ngayon ay tumutukoy sa Jollibee o McDonald's promo.

5. Sa PGH, may tinatawag na Central Block. Nandoon ang Radiology Department
kung saan ginagawa ang mga X-rays, Ultrasound, CT Scan at Radiotherapy. Dito
ko naobserbahan ang evolution ng mga pinoy medical terms. May mga pasyente o
bantay na aking nasasalubong, ang madalas magtanong ng direksyon.

Mga Versions ng CT Scan: (Ganon na rin yon, no!)
1. "Dok saan po ba ang Siete Scan?" 2. "Doc saan po ba magpapa-CT Skull"
3. "Doc saan po ba CT Scalp" 4. "Doc saan po ang CT Scam?"

Madalas akong mapagtanungan ng direction papunta sa Cobalt Room. "Doc saan
po ba ang Cobal" Yes, laging walang T, marami na ang ginagamit na term ay
Cobal. Saan napunta ang "T". Marami din kasing nagtatanong, "Doc, saan po ba
ang papuntang X-Tray?" Conclusion: Ang "T" ng Cobalt, ay napunta sa X-Tray.

7:00 am. Nagbigay ang kasamahan kong doktor ng instruction sa bantay ng
pasyente, "Mister, punta po kayo sa Central Block at magpa-schedule kayo ng
X-ray ng pasyente ninyo."

3:00 pm. Kadarating lang ng bantay. Nagalit na ang doktor, "Mister, bakit
namang napakatagal ninyong bumalik? Pina-schedule ko lang naman ang X-ray
ah." Sumagot ang bantay, "Eh kasi po Doc, ang tagal kong naghintay sa gate,
haggang sabihin ng guwardiya na sarado daw po ang Central Bank kasi Sabado
ngayon." (Nasa Roxas Blvd ang Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas, at sarado nga
naman yon kapag Sabado, hihihihihi)

6. Nang mag-rounds ako as intern sa Pediatrics ng PGH, mahal na mahal talaga
ng mga nanay ang kanilang mga anak na may sakit. Pilit nilang tinatandaan
ang mga gamot at tawag sa sakit ng kanilang anak.

Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ang mga gamot na iniinom ng anak niyo?"
Mrs 1: "Doc phenobarbiedoll po."
Doktor: "Ah baka po phenobarbital." (Gamot sa convulsion ang phenobarbital)

Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ba ang antibiotic na iniinom ng anak ninyo?"
Mrs 2: "Doc metromanilazole po."
Doktor: "Ah baka po metronidazole." (Gamot sa amoeba ang metronidazole)

Ang tawag sa recovery room ng PGH ay PACU (Post-Anesthesia Care Unit)
Doktor: "Mrs., tapos na po ang operasyong ng anak ninyo, punta na po kayo sa
PACU.
Mrs 3: "Eh Doc, saan po sa Paco? Sa may simbahan po ba o sa may palengke?

Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ba ang sinabi ng dating doktor kung ano daw ang sakit
ng inyong anak?"
Mrs 4: "Eh Doc sabi po niya Tragedy of Fallot.
Doktor: "Ah baka po Tetralogy of Fallot (Isang congenital Heart Disease ang
Tetralogy of Fallot)

Biglang nagtatarang ang isang nanay at sumigaw.
Mrs. 5: "Scissors! Scissors! Nag-sciscissors ang anak ko, Doc!"
Doktor: "Nurse, diazepam please, nag-seizure ang pasyente!

Doktor: "Mrs. ano daw po ba ang sakit ng anak ninyo?"
Mrs. 6: May ketong daw po.
In-examine ng doktor ang balat ng pasyente. Wala siyang makitang senyales ng
ketong. Tumawag pa siya ng isang dermatologist para mag-examine nang husto.
Wala talaga.
Doktor: "Mrs. sigurado po ba kayong ketong ang sakit ng bata?"
Mrs 6: "Eh iyon po ang sabi ng doktor niya dati. Mataas daw po ang ketong sa
ihi dahil may diabetes."
Doktor: "Ah ketone po yon! (Ang positive ketone sa ihi ay senyales ng
kumplikasyon ng diabetes.)

Doktor: (Sa buntis na mrs. na nagle-labor) "Mrs. pumutok na po ba ang
panubigan mo?"
Mrs 7: "Eh Doc, wala naman po akong narinig na pagsabog." (Hanep!)

:D :p

[happiman]

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky? A: Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.

******************

Husband: Shall we try a new position tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!

******************

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
" Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy blind, or what?'
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment...
:D :D :D

[gretzy]

Q: anong saging ang binabalutan muna bago kinakain?

A: turon :D

ang korni ko, nakakatawa. hehehe

[ssaloon]

ang baduy non ah....

[gretzy]

sensya na! :D mas natawa ako sa kakornihan.hehehe

[newbie13]

Girl walks into the kitchen of a popular restaurant. She sees the chef making hamburger patties my squeezing it under his armpit.
G:Yuks, dats da most disgusting thing I've ever seen.
Chef: No its not. you should come here in the morning, and see how we make Donuts :P

[newbie13]

eto pa mas kornik !!

Interview with a Kolehiyala.

Q: What is the difference between Kamote and P*nis?
Kolehiyala: YOUR'E SO YUCKY!!! I DON'T EAT KAMOTE, 'NO?!

[ephraim]

[artpogi]

Things People Say (Courtroom Quotations)

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Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."

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Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

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Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

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Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."

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Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"
Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."
Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?"
Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."
Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?"
Witness: "'Winchester'!"

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Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

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Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."

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Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

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Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."

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Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."

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Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

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Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
Witness: "After the accident?"
Lawyer: "Before the accident."
Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

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Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

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Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

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Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

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Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."

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Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

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Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

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Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

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Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"

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Lawyer: "Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?"

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Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

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Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

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Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

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Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

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